The Opposite of Hate: Learning to Find Commonality in a Divisive World

The Opposite of Hate: A Field Guild to Repairing our Humanity by Sally Kohn was a hard book to read, delving into the roots of hate, and yet I was given hope by stories of recovered haters and the offered toolkit of how to move beyond hate.

I was a freshman in high school in 1967 when my Civics teacher Mr. Warner taught us that there is no such thing as 'race', that we are all one 'race'--the human race. I was a sophomore in college when Dr. Sommers told my anthropology class the story of a community who believed they were God's Real People and across the hill lived sub-human others. Two stories that succinctly sum up social conflict: are we connected or are we disconnected?

In my late 20s, working in an all black office, I learned that, even raised in a home and school culture that did not teach hate towards perceived 'others', hate is so ingrained in our society that one cannot escape it. To rise above hate one must be on perpetual guard, thoughtful of our unvoiced thoughts and emotions as well as our spoken words and deeds. We all hate. It is a choice every day what we do with this knowledge.

Kohn reflects on her own childhood acts of bullying and her training as a community activist who found hate was a "useful tool in their civic-engagement tool belt." Catching herself in hateful hypocrisy made her reflect on hate--its universality, its manifestations from name calling to hate crimes, and how the dehumanization of  'others' creates a deadly climate.

Kohn sat down and talked to people who held beliefs that were diametrically her opposite, learning their story. We all know how hard this is to do. We cut off Facebook friends and even relatives, and avoid certain gatherings were we may run into people whose opinions we object to--even hate. Kohn shares a technique from Compelling People by Matt Kohut and John Neffinger. Instead of arguing or telling folk they are wrong, follow ABC. Affirm: find a mutual concern; Bridge with an 'and' statement and follow with Convince, in which you present your view. She calls it connection-speech, a friendly and respectful way of communicating.

Several times over the last year I have found myself fumed at something an acquaintance has said. I stated my case and apologized if they felt attacked, saying I feel passionate about the issue. Reading ABC makes me recall a professor, who when a student said something he did not agree with, calmly said, "that could be" or "that is interesting" and then stated his convincing argument. I have been forgetting to affirm.

Each chapter addresses aspects of hate:Why We Hate, How We Hate, Hating Is Belonging, Unconscious Hate, When Hate Becomes Pandemic, Systems of Hate, and The Journey Forward.

The opposite of hate, Kohn contends, is not love or even liking those we don't agree with. It is not giving up one's passionately held ideals. It is connection--treating others with respect as fellow human beings.

I appreciated Kohn's honest confession, how she drew lessons from the people she interviewed, and especially for a blueprint of how to overcome America's most dangerous threat.

I received a free ebook from the publisher through NetGalley in exchange for a fair and unbiased review.

The Opposite of Hate: A Field Guide to Repairing Our Humanity
by Sally Kohn
Algonquin Books
Pub Date 10 Apr 2018 
ISBN: 9781616207281
PRICE: $27.95 (USD)

Ads to Catch the Eye of the Homemaker in the October 1952 Good Housekeeping Magazine

What did the 1952 Homemaker want in her house? Perhaps these Good Housekeeping ads filled out her 'wish list.' Starting with the kitchen.

I have to wonder what came first, the desire or the ads that created a need?

Youngstown kitchen cabinets are sought after by the Retro Renovation crowd. Some of our early parsonage kitchens had metal cabinets with cool features like a flour bin.

A modern kitchen needed to have a gas or electric range. Growing up, I actually knew a family who still used a wood burning stove until the later 1950s.

This range could bake and broil at the same time!

Mom always had Revere Ware. I did too, but I would get distracted and end up burning them up. I was better off using cast iron!

Wear-Ever is still around. 

I did not have a Chromcraft table and chairs growing up, but I still have my childhood table that Dad bought and finished. 

Mom bought Melmac dishes when I was a kid in the 1950s.

Anchor Hocking Fire King ovenware, made in Ohio.

I don't recall the name Styron from Dow Plastics. Made in Michigan.

What about the rest of the house? There were innovations in the bedroom, including 'bibb' or 'snug' fitted sheets.

Wallpaper was found in most houses. I recall my first bedroom had paper with black and white kittens playing with pink and blue balls of yarn. The whites of their eyes glowed in the dark and disturbed me.

Mom favored nylon sheer curtains.

Vinyl and linoleum flooring were easy for the 'weekend remodelers' to install. Dad installed tile in our house in 1963.

Back to the kitchen...What was for dinner in 1952? During the war America bought oleo, but now butter was trying to come back to the table.

 Macaroni Squares was an inexpensive meal to make.

 Spanish Rice Pronto is not too different from one of Mom's favorite recipes.

A Mixed Bag of Mini-Reviews

Thanks to the local library I was able to read Jesmyn Ward's Sing, Unburied, Sing.

As I read Sing, Unburied, Sing, I kept worrying that something horrendous was going to happen, something I could not bear. The feeling of impending tragedy was ominous. The characters were well drawn, their stories heart-rending. They will live with me for a long while.

#Hockeystrong by Erika Robuck

My family was never into sports. We were given tickets to see several hockey games at Michigan State but that is my sum experience with the sport. But I can appreciate a good social commentary.

This book dissects the crazy things parents will do when their kids enjoy a sport, making a game into a fetish and giving up all control to the machinations of an obsessed coach. I’d have laughed at the extreme things they do...except I was so appalled. Over the top, hilarious, and disturbing—the novel left me grateful we were never #Hockeystrong.

I purchased an ebook.

Book Club Reads

Both my book clubs have recently read Behold the Dreamers by Imbolo Mbue much to my pleasure. Overall, everyone enjoyed the book. Here is the review I wrote after reading it in 2016:

I was thrilled to win Behold the Dreamers on Goodreads Giveaways! After reading it, I am grateful to have won it. It is a beautifully written, deep, and thoughtful exploration of the oldest theme in American literature: The American Dream. What makes this treatment stand out is the juxtaposition of the dreamers who hope to achieve the dream against the family who already lives the dream.

Jende and Neni have come to New York City hoping for a better life. Neni is a strong-willed woman who defied her father to marry Jende. She is determined to get an education and a career. Jende was forbidden to marry Neni, and when she became pregnant her father had Jende imprisoned. In 2007, now together and living in Harlem, Neni is in school and Jende has landed a posh job as a chauffeur to a Lehman Brothers executive. They are full of hope for the future. All they need is to become permanent residents.

Jende's boss Clark and his wife Cindy are successful, rich, beautiful people, who have come up from the lower and middle classes. In truth Clark is a workaholic whose moral sense must be suppressed as he conforms to the business ethics of Lehmans, while Cindy obsesses over fitting in, passing as one of the 1% to maintain her status.

As the two couples struggle with their personal demons, watching their dreams unravel, choices are made that will alter their lives forever.

I enjoyed this book on so many levels. Mbue is a wonderful storyteller, her characters are vivid and unforgettable. The treatment of the immigrant experience and American immigration law is relevant and revealing.

I loved how Jende and Neni were hard-working idealists about America. The battle between Clark's Midwest values and the realities of Wall Street destroy him while his wife escapes into the oblivion of drugs and alcohol. Cindy and Clark's son Vince understands the spiritual death of American society, dropping out to find a life worth living. I loved the ending as Jende and Clark meet a final time, no longer boss and servant, but as men recognizing their mutual struggle to do what is best for their families.

It impressed me that Mbue, born in Cameroon and living in America for ten years, has a masterful writing style and a deep and intelligent insight into the psyche of both immigrant and American. This is her first book, and I can't wait to read more from Mbue.

I received a free book from Random House in exchange for a fair and unbiased review. (less)

Another book club selection this month was Barbara Kingsolver's 2001 book Animal Vegetable Miracle: A Year of Food Life.

Had I read this when it came out it would have made a bigger impact on me. Most of my library book club was not inspired and many did not finish the book. Several of us admitted the information was no longer fresh. The inserted essays seemed to put people off from reading it.

I commend the message of the book to eat local, to raise your own food, and to be concerned about the impact of factory farming and processed foods.

A Turn-of-the-Century Log Cabin Quilt Top

Around 1979 my friend Martha purchased a quilt top at a quilt show. She had hoped some day to finish it. This past weekend she gave it to me.

The block pattern is the traditional Log Cabin set in a Fields and Furrows setting. The block traditionally has a red center square, representing the hearth of the cabin, with strips in light and dark values building out from it. It was also traditionally hand pieced, as this quilt is. The pattern seems to date to the mid-1860s in America.

The fabrics in this quilt date to the turn of the century, between the late 1900s and pre-World War One era.

The central red blocks is an interesting diaper print, an interlocking pattern.
In the photo below you can see a black and white print and a butternut calico print then at the left outer edge a brown print.

 I love the poison green print, seen below.

There are a variety of shirting prints in salmon pink and pale blues. Also, below, note the purple print with a serpentine design in white and the indigo blue with a white circular print.

Black and white prints were popular during this time period and are called Mourning prints.

 More shirting prints, with a golden brown check.

The border was machine sewn on and is a dotted maroon print. 

The back shows the hand stitched blocks and machine stitched borders.

The quilt top was washed by the seller. I cut off lots of tangled threads from the back. There are some small worn spots and holes and the fabrics, overall, are brittle. I think the fabrics are too fragile to finished into a quilt.

Free online instructions for making Log Cabin blocks can be found at:

http://blog.modafabrics.com/2013/09/two-tricks-for-perfect-log-cabin-blocks/

http://www.allpeoplequilt.com/quilt-patterns/log-cabin-quilt-patterns

http://civilwarquilts.blogspot.com/2011/02/7-log-cabin.html

http://delawarequilts.com/BOMs/LogCabin/index.html

Maria in the Moon by Louise Beech

It was "Read an Excerpt" that clinched it. I read the opening pages and was enchanted by the voice:

‘Long ago my beloved Nanny Eve chose my name. Then one day she stopped calling me it. I try now to remember why, but I just can’t.’

Catherine has lost her memory of the year she was nine. She is haunted by a bushy-bearded man. She can't stay in a relationship. Her mother died at her birth and her father when she was eight, leaving her to her step-mother's care. The year she broke her grandmother's pretty Virgin Mary statue, the year she set loose her beloved pet rabbit, was the year she became Catherine and not Catherine-Maria.

 'But there was something else; something I couldn't remember. Something as black as feverish, temperature-fuelled nightmares. Something that couldn't be fixed or replaced.'

Catherine volunteers at crisis lines, and weeks after leaving her last call center position--and the love affair with her co-volunteer there-- she is accepted to the Flood Crisis hotline. Like many homes in Hull in 2007, Catherine's home has been devastated by the flood. She and a newly divorced friend are sharing a cramped space.

Catherine has a good relationship with her step-mother's new husband, but there is no love shown between her and her step-mom or her step-father's daughter Celeste. All she recalls is the criticism and rejection she faced after her father's death, the disappointment her step-mom has shown.

She is warned not to get involved with callers, but she can't help it. One elderly man, Sid, becomes especially dependent on her. Her coworker Christopher has come to like her and has shown he wants to take their friendship to another level.

But every night the nightmares come, and the questions plague her: what happened when she was nine years old that changed her life and haunts her, cripples her, to this day?

Maria in the Moon is a moving read about pain and resilience, and how by confronting our past and forgiving those who have harmed us we are freed and can move on in life.

I received a free ebook from the publisher through NetGalley in exchange for a fair and unbiased review.

Maria in the Moon
by Louise Beech
Trafalgar Square Publishing/ Orenda Books
Pub Date 01 Apr 2018
Paperback $14.95
ISBN: 9781495628160

1952 Good Housekeeping Magazine: Fashions

"A first lady chooses a universally flattering, wonderfully wearable coatdress of Ames wool. The narrow white tracing of trim is Angora. Dress also comes in red or black. Sizes 10 to 18;
about $40. Kay Wynne."

Today I am sharing the fashions from the October 1952 Good Housekeeping magazine.

"She's so tiny she makes the average height look towering. She chooses long lines, scaled to her size details, something eye-catching close to her feet. Middy dress with cuffed hip line and neckline. In rayon and acetate crepe. Also green or back. Petite sizes 10 to 19. About $45"

"She dresses in crepe-a triumphant revival this season. She loves the coatdress look, the pretty trim at throat and hip line. Onondaga acetate and rayon crepe. Also in mink or black. Sizes 10 to 20. Leonard Arkin. Hat by Betman."

The lead article was fashion for The First Ladies, starting, "There's a first lady in every American home. She comes in assorted sizes, ages, and temperaments. She answers to such varied names as Mrs., Mom, and Darling."

"He's particularly partial to the deceptively simple cut of this shirtwaist dress, the very rich look of its bronze-colored fabric. And he likes the delicate detailing, the little tucks and collar and cuffs. It's of rayon brocade. Also in gold or pale blue. Sizes 10 to 16; about $50. Kasper for Penart Fashions."

The fashions illustrated in the article were from B. Altman & Co., NY and Marshall Field & Co, Chicago.

"When she asks, "What shall I wear tonight?" he always requests the same dress--the one with the portrait neckline, the criss-cross trim, the shining star buttons. Tawny yarn-dyed acetate rayon taffeta. Also in rouge or slate blue. Sizes 10 to 18; about $45. Miguel Dorian for Arnold and Fox."

"When a First Lady as a date to Meet Him at Five"...they suggest the coatdress pictured below.

"They're off to tea--he very proud, she very pretty in a coatdress of Bloomsburg acetate faille with revers faced in acetate and rayon satin. In black, brown, or navy. Sizes 10 to 20; about $40. Ben Barrack."

"In larger sizes, she chooses a filigree of lace. Her figure is rounded and feminine. She elects to minimize her hips with a softly breaking skirt; to camouflage her short waist with long, smooth lines; to half-conceal her arms and shoulders with a dramatic bodice of Chantilly lace backed with a band of pastel acetate satin. The dress is acetate and rayon crepe. In black, gray, or sugar-brown. Sizes 14 1/2 to 24 1/2. About $40. Fashion Wearables by Mayda Williams."

"The First Lady Pampers the Man in her Life," which according to this fashion advice means purchasing stripped shirts, argyle sweaters, and checked sportscoats.

 And, of course, ironing those Arrow Shirts for "handsomer husbands."

"Shopping magic!" this ad starts, "my REALSILK nylons walk in the door."

Suncraft Shirts, "most versatile blouses in your wardrobe," pledged to iron "hanky fast."

The Good Housekeeping Fashions section also shared new sewing patterns from Simplicity.

Simplicity coat 4021, skirt 4013, and blouse 4010
"We used Forstmann's new pebbly-surfaced wool coating in bright red for the skirt and coat. Blouse is of red and white Security wool jersey."

"Make Much of Your Wardrobe," readers were advised.

"Above. Pretty party dress cut in a flattering V neckline. We used a "Cromsepun" fabric by Ameritex in grey and black checked acetate taffeta brightened with Lurex. Simplicity Printed Pattern 4000.
Left: Button trimmed dress with a big bowed detachable dickey. We chose black and white pin-checked Botany worsted wool for our version, added smart stripes at the throat. Simplicity Printed Pattern 3994."

Two versions of Simplicity Printed Pattern 4007 made in blue acetate rayon and wool faille by William Skinner.

How were ladies making these fashions in 1952? With their Singer sewing machine and a GE steam iron.

The home seamstress had lots of La Mode buttons to chose from.

This roomy housecoat has HUGE pockets. Imagine what you could keep in them.

 "Once in a blue moon, we run across a dress design that's becoming to practically everyone--the older woman as well as the younger person, the large figure as well as the slimmer one." Simplicity 3950 had a four-gore skirt and diagonally placed tucks for fullness over the chest. Sizes 12 to 44. Theirs was made in a sheer wool fabric of deep royal blue.

For $9 women could buy a Rite-Fit dress of the month.

 One of the new fabrics was Celeanese, an acetate Tricocel knitted fabric, her shown in a peignoir and gown from Carter's  selling at $15 for the set.

A lady needed shoes to complete her wardrobe.

 And to protect her shoes, Rain Deers clear plastic boots.

Maternity fashions in nylon tricot from Kickernick included panties with elastic, expandable, shirring.

With swing coats this full, The First Lady could hide that baby bump for months.

 How to dress the kids? The magazine had ads for that, too.

I hope you enjoyed this trip down 'memory lane.'