Ten Months in Muskegon

August, 2009, we moved a half hour down the road. The church parsonage was in Norton Shores, south of Muskegon. The house was in a lovely neighborhood, on a cul de sac street and close to the mall, shopping, doctors, restaurants--and the Lake Michigan shore.

vintage photo from The Builders: The Identity and Witness of Central UMC Church of Musekgon, MI
by Thomas F. Begley

Gary's new church was struggling with changes. A cathedral built in the 1930s, membership had declined and they could no longer support their huge staff. Gary's job was to led them through the process of right-sizing and grieving, then he was to move on and let the incoming pastor minister without the negative associations Gary would be taking on. The appointment was to last up to two years.

Central UMC photo from Devoted Dreamers and Daring Doers by Rev. Dr. Lynn A. DeMoss

Frankly, we had stars in our eyes. The beautiful church with its full time music director, the stained glass, the orchestra, the professional choir, was stunning. We hoped that we would get along so well that Gary would not have to move after a few years!

Cover of Devoted Dreamers and Daring Doers

photo from Devoted Dreamers and Daring Doers

Our first Sunday at church they had a reception line. Every member filed by, introducing themselves. It was exhausting to stand there for all that time, one person after another coming up. And it was overwhelming. I am an introvert and like to meet people one on one or in small groups in informal settings. They had a nice tradition of donating pantry gifts to the incoming pastoral family.

The Pulpit, photo from Devoted Dreamers and Daring Doers

The neighborhood kids were all watching when we moved in and brought over a plate of freshly baked cookies! It was such a friendly street.

The ranch house was well maintained with three bedrooms, a kitchen opening to a dining area with a brick oven and fireplace wall, a huge living room with a fireplace, an office, and a full bath and a half-bath with a shower. The basement was partially finished. The backyard had a deck and included a wild, natural area. Pileated woodpeckers, deer, and turkey were seen on a daily basis!

Kitchen/dining area fireplace decked out for Christmas

Me, Easter 2010

The entire parsonage was painted and I got to chose the colors--one legacy of my suggestions concerning parsonages was to get away from the required 'earth tone' paint requirements. I knew we would be there a short time so I chose colors that worked with the lighting, woodwork, and flooring.

the dining area could fit my grandparent's set

Because the church was in downtown Muskegon, Gary had to commute to the office. He had many late afternoon and evening meetings. I was lonely.

I told Gary it was time to get another dog. We had agreed to get a puppy mill breeder rescue as a 'thank you' for the nearly 17 years of happiness Kili had given us. I found a dog in Stevensville who was in a foster home and contacted the rescue organization. I was told this dog was never expected to be adopted. The foster family said that a family returned her because she was terrified of men. Her early years in a Missouri puppy mill had left her unsocialized and damaged.

We visited the foster family. Our girl followed her pack at treat time, but hung in the back. A few days later the foster family brought her to us. We named her Suki, which means beloved, and were determined she would know come to understand she was loved.

Suki was shy and stayed in a corner

Suki had been kenneled but once in our house she ran behind the head of my bed. She claimed that small space for herself so we moved the bed away from the wall to give her space. She would follow me from room to room, finding a corner to hide in, her back pressed up against the wall. We were told that she liked her cheek rubbed. I would get on the floor and rub her cheek, talking to her, singing a song I made up for her.

Suki, Suki, Suki,
the sweetest dog I know.
Suki, Suki, Suki,
we do love you so.

Suki sitting for her cookie

Suki was unresponsive for days. But she was smart. In the evening I went into the living room with treats and she came running up to snatch one, running into another room to eat it, then running up again. I used treats to train all our dogs, and so I held it over her head and forced her to sit down to keep her eyes on it, saying 'sit' at the same time. Then I gave her the treat. The next time I did it, Suki understood and thereafter I would say 'sit' and she would sit and get her treat! I taught her to sit up, too, with one try. Another big break-through came a few weeks later when she learned to go up and down stairs. My sewing area was in the basement, and Suki one day went down the stairs to follow me. She was so pleased with herself, she went up and down the stairs over and over for several days.

A bad photo, I know, but this is Suki learning how to go down stairs

Gary always enjoyed walking our dogs. The morning after we got her he hooked her up and took her for a walk. Suki was terrified of the outdoors. She had been in a cage, with walls or fences, and would either cower down or run when outdoors. She took off  running and pulled the leash out of Gary's hand. He ran after her, knowing if she got away we would never be able to catch her again. Going down a small, steep, hill Gary tripped. He put his arm out to break his fall and felt pain in his shoulder. He got up and ran after Suki again, stepping on the end of the leash to stop her.

Gary's arm was badly hurt and I got him to medical care. The first doctor gave him bad advice, and when the pain continued he went to a specialist. He had torn three of his four rotor cuff ligaments and needed surgery to repair them. The doctor warned he might never regain full range of motion.

Gary's surgery meant a long recovery. Luckily, one of the chairs we had purchased before moving from Lansing, the chairs that were too big for the first Montague parsonage, was a recliner. Gary ended up sleeping in it for three weeks during recovery. Physical therapy worked miracles and he did regain full ROM in that shoulder.

Gary

In January we thought Suki might do better with another dog in the house. We went back to the rescue society and agreed to foster an incoming dog, another puppy mill rescue from Missouri. He was brought north by volunteers who each drove him a 'leg' of the trip. We picked him up in Indiana.

The volunteer brought him out of the cage to meet us. He looked in bad shape and smelled of urine, but wagged his tail at us. We got him home and immediately had to wash him down and wash out the kennel. We feed and watered him, and put him the kennel overnight. The next morning his bedding was soaked in urine again.

Kara

We named him Kara. He was friendly and seemed happy, but was weak. We took him to a vet right away. His legs were a mess, showing he had chewed them because of allergies. She told us his ears were short because he had lost the tips to frostbite. A broken leg had never been set. He had arthritis in his back. His ears were black from an ear infection. He also had high kidney vaues. The exam cost hundred of dollars and the rescue organization would not reimburse us. We were to make him comfortable, and get approval for any medical care. Phooey, we thought.

Suki and Kara's den behind the bed headboard

The second day found an amazed Suki staring at this strange dog cuddling up to her in her bed. Kara just moved in and befriended Suki. Over the next weeks Kara's health improved and he taught Suki how to be a dog. By spring, he had Suki playing tag in the yard, running after each other. They were happy as could be. Suki's tail was up for the first time, instead of being between her legs or straight down.

Kara (foreground) and Suki playing 

A healthy Kara was trouble with a capital T. He dug under the fence to get out of the yard. I ran after him and only caught him because his bad leg slowed him down and because he had to mark his territory. One day Gary saw Kara with all four paws hanging from the chain link fence, trying to climb over! On a rainy day when my brother was visiting, Kara managed to sneak out of the house. We drove around the neighborhood and asked people if they had seen our dog. One neighbor found him trotting along the main road, several blocks away. She opened her car door and he jumped in. Kara was very pleased with his jaunt.

Suki striking a pose

The neighbor was a widower and he loved Kara. He bought chicken treats to give Kara. Kara buried them all over the yard! A lady in North Carolina wanted to adopt Kara to replace a Shiba she had lost. I told her he was ill. She sent me a gift of money toward his medical costs! We have been in touch ever since.

I was intimidated by this church. I was never around people of status or wealth. Every Sunday after church during fellowship time a lady chastised me for not going table to table greeting all the parishioners. I told her I was the newbie, and they should be welcoming me for I was not a paid employee but a fellow lay member. 

Central UMC stained glass windows

In October, two months after Gary's appointment, at annual conference, a church leader told the D.S. that he did not want an interim pastor. Gary had been told his assignment was to provide healing and prepare for moving into the future, but this leader rejected that goal. The conference had never tried an interim pastorate before. We don't believe that the church was prepared.

Now, it is important to connect with important church leaders, and if a pastor does not do that there will be trouble. On our move-in day we had been invited to stay in this man's home. He and his wife were important in the community and well off. At dinner another clergy couple and our hosts talked about their world travels. It made me feel bad. I have spent three days in Mexico City and have seen a bit of Canada. That's the extend of my world travels. But these people did not notice their conversation did not include us, and that insensitivity made me unwilling to pursue a deeper relationship with these folk. I felt I was in another class and that we had little life experience in common.

Gary would not fight a powerful leader and agreed to move the next July 1. He was a lame duck pastor two months in. He did help the church restructure, lead Bible classes and all the other pastoral duties. Some parishioners encouraged his ministry and felt bad about what had happened. Later, I learned that this church leader had pushed his weight around in another church.

Gary had been teaching Disciple Bible Class for years. Participants read the entire Bible over a year.  I finally joined a class while in Montague, but we moved before it was over. I joined again while at Muskegon. I had to reread the Old Testament again! But did get to finish the course.

The church had a number of quilters and three ladies befriended me and invited me to their weekly quilt group. They took turns meeting in their homes, coming in the morning and staying for a light lunch. They were all talented and amazing artists. I was working on my quilt I Will Life My Voice Like a Trumpet, celebrating women abolitionists and Civil Rights workers. I designed the patterns and hand embroidered and hand quilted it.

I Will Lift My Voice Like a Trumpet by Nancy A. Bekofske

I also completed Ruby McKim's patterns Ships of the World, hand embroidered and hand quilted.

Ships of the World, a design by Ruby McKim
Hand embroidered and hand quilted by Nancy A. Bekofske

I gave this quilt to my son.

Detail of McKim's design

We were forty-five minutes from our son at university and saw him regularly over these months. We took rides to see the beaches and sights, and enjoyed eating at Toast N' Jam restaurant just a few minutes away. The Muskegon Museum of Art was a gem. We visited the USS Silversides sub and the USS Milwaukee Clipper and the LST 393 Veterans Museum. We liked the dentist so much we stayed with him even after moving. A repertoire movie theater was just blocks away.

Gary  Muskegon, MI

Chris, Muskegon, MI

The pastor who Gary had replaced was enjoying a more relaxed life in Montague. He pitied Gary! Several years into his ministry at Montague this pastor suffered a health crisis that left him bedridden and wheelchair bound. It was prescient that the parsonage was 100% handicapped accessible. The pastor had to take early retirement due to health. While his wife searched for housing to accommodate his needs, the Montague church allowed the family to stay in the parsonage. The new pastor stayed in a parishoner's rental cottage. God works in mysterious ways.

But of course, July 1, 2010, came and we had to move. We had hoped for a really nice church and home for our last appointment, expecting to be there six years until retirement.

The good news was the church was closer to Clawson and family. The downside was it was situated in an even smaller town than we had lived in before, in a very rural county. And at the meet-and-greet questions were asked that hinted at problems to come.

Abide With Me by Elizabeth Strout

"I wonder if we are all condemned to live outside the grace of God." Reverent Tyler Caskey in Abide with Me.

I have long wanted to read Elizabeth Strout's second novel Abide with Me , ever since I first heard about it. Strout has been one of my favorite authors since Olive Kitteridge was being passed around a group of reading church friends ten years ago. I was lucky to review galleys of My Name is Lucy Barton and Anything is Possible. 

Abide by Me drew me in particular because it is about a minister in crisis whose congregation turns on him when he is most vulnerable. It tests the faith of Reverend Tyler Caskey and that of his church in West Annett, MA.

My husband is a retired clergyman and I saw close up the parsonage experience and the blessings and burdens congregations can be to their spiritual leaders. Strout has a wise understanding of human nature, and it is evident in this book.

Set in the late 1950s, the novel begins with Tyler deep in depression two years after his wife died of cancer, caring for his equally depressed oldest daughter while his mother has taken over his youngest daughter to raise.

"Life, he would think. How mysterious and magnificent, such abundance!" 

Tyler's wife Lauren had lit the room with joy. He marveled how he had been so lucky to be loved by this woman. They married while he was at seminary. And if she was no stereotype of a pastor's wife, Tyler accepted her for who she was. In fact she was the direct opposite of what people expect a pastor's wife to be: Lauren was fashionable and pretty; she loved to gossip and shop and hated the "grim politeness" of the church women; and she had no interest in prayers or even religion. She said, "my God," and dressed wrong, and could not understand why the country roads had no road signs so people could find their way around. (I felt the same way about the lack of road signs when we were at small town church!)

The church had inherited a shabby farm house and sold the more valuable town parsonage, leaving the isolated and decrepit house for their pastor. I shuddered, how cold a thing to do, and yet how typical. It was 'good enough' for the pastor; after all he got free housing, he should be grateful. I know those 'good enough', hand-me-down, low grade, cheap fulfillment of obligations, always with the excuse that the church has no money, even when the parishioners live far better. A man of God and his wife ought to be humble and unworldly!

When Lauren sees the parsonage she cries. Oh, boy, I got that. I once cried too, seeing a run down, small, badly placed house we were to live in after enjoying nine years in a beautiful, well maintained parsonage in one of the best neighborhoods.

Relegated to the smelly and depressing house, Lauren asks to paint the living room and dining room pink. Then the children came, and she loved them dearly, but she hated the lack of money and ran up big credit bills. She missed television and girl friends and having fun, and became petulant and distant towards Tyler.

Hints are dropped about Lauren's past, how she hated her father who used to bathe her and her friends, and how her mother commented that Lauren was wild and unpredictable and they were happy to see her married. Lauren tells her one confidant that she had many beaus before Tyler.

Lauren did not accept cancer and the inevitable early death, but was angry and lashed out. She never liked the church-funded housekeeper, Connie, and banned her from the house.

Tyler liked Connie's quiet demeanor. After Lauren' death, Connie becomes important to Tyler, who depends on her to keep the house going. He has lost his joy and is just going through the motions. He fails his daughter Katheryn, who stops talking and acts out in school, her hair always knotted and unbrushed. Her teacher actually hates the child. Meanwhile, Tyler's mother is pushing a woman upon him and holds his youngest daughter hostage.

Tyler is humble and determined to be meek and always above personal feelings and bias. Women in the church turn against Tyler, feeling slighted by his lack of attention and safe distance from church politics. Connie turns up missing, accused of theft, and the rumor network starts buzzing that Tyler and Connie were involved. The people turn vicious. And I have experienced what it is like when congregants talk about the pastor behind closed doors, and stare coldly at him in public, feeling righteous, judging and unaware of their own sin in judging.

When Tyler finds Connie, she confesses acts which she has done out of love but which are considered heinous by social and moral law. Tyler has also been struggling with guilt. He forgives Connie. Can he forgive himself?

"They need to go after someone, especially when they sniff weakness under what's supposed to be strong," Tyler is told.

When Tyler reaches the end of his rope and can no longer pretend he is in control, grace comes in unexpected ways.

In the Notes, Strout says she was interested in story, not theology: how does on live life? Does it matter how one lives?  "I can only hope that readers will not only be entertained by the stories I tell, but be moved to reckon with their own sense of mystery and awe," Strout ends. "Through the telling of stories and the reading of stories, we have a chance to see something about ourselves and others that maybe we knew, but didn't know we knew. We can wonder for a moment, if, for all our separate histories, we are not more alike than different after all."

And that I what I adore about reading Strout, that connection that she offers with love and sensitivity, the universal human experience of wounded people discovering how to live.

Happy Days in Lansing, MI

Moving to Lansing, MI felt like returning to a known environment for Gary and me. It took a while for our defenses to lower, but after several years we felt a part of the community. The nine years we spent with Grace United Methodist Church and living in Lansing were some of the best of our lives.

Gary, Chris and I

The church was located a few minutes from downtown, on Mount Hope Road near Cedar/MLK. The parsonage driveway was accessed by Mount Hope Road but the house faced Cambridge Road. It was a lovely neighborhood a few minutes from the Grand River, Francis Park with its rose garden, and the Governor's mansion. Across Mount Hope was the elementary school our son would attend.

The parsonage was well maintained. During our time at Grace many improvements were made to the house, including a new kitchen and two new bathrooms, custom made drapes, and new windows.

When the outgoing pastor's wife told me her dog had been hit by a car on Mt. Hope, I asked the church to install fencing between the house and garage to provide a safe area to let our dog out. The Trustees were obliging!

The church had been built in the 1960s as a new church start. The congregation felt like a big family.

The congregation was very social and church activities kept us busy over the years--starting with a welcome party.

Chris and I at the welcome party

The Vacation Bible School (VBS) was always a well planned, spectacular event. That first summer, VBS ended with a riverboat cruise on the Grand River!

Gary, Chris and I on the Princess Queen for VBS

The Princess Queen paddleboat moored at the Grand River 

I quickly found work at a Catholic school as a part-time secretary focusing on desktop publishing and other computer generated administrative tasks.

At the end of the school year I left for full-time work at the Lansing Art Gallery as the membership secretary. Before a year had passed, I was hired by Jostens, the class and championship ring company, for a newly created position as the state office manager. I was the hub for the management and sales team and their customers. Working from a home office, I provided sales support to the salespeople, customer service to the colleges, created and sent out promotional supplies, and sometimes even attended sales events or sold rings over the phone. The nine month a year job was perfect! Within two years I had doubled my salary.

Church members participated in the denomination's Family Camp held at the United Methodist church camp in Pentwater, MI. It became an annual family vacation. There was also an annual church family camp at Lakeview UM Camp.

Kili and Chris at the Pentwater family camp

We were less than an hour from Gary's parents and just over an hour from my dad and brother. We could make day trips. One of our favorite visits was to Crossroads Village and Huckleberry Railroad.

Dad at Crossroads Village 

Chris, Gary and Laura and Herman Bekofske
at Crossroads Village. (I made Chris's jacket)

We continued to take family vacations around Michigan. When the pop-up camper nearly burned down from an electric short we rented cabins around the state, including Ludington, Lake Louise, Cheboygan, and Tawas. The church's generous Christmas gift made the cost of the cabins possible. Gary and Chris also took father-son camping trips in the U.P. every year.

Mackinaw Bridge Sunset 

at Pictured Rocks

Lake Louise, Dad and Chris on rowboat

Chris and Kili at Tawas, MI

Kili after wading at Tawas

Whitefish Point Lighthouse

We took Chris to Washington, D.C.

Chris and Gary at the Vietnam Memorial in Washington D.C.

Chris spent many weekends with my dad and brother at the cabin on Lake St. Helen. Chris loved to snowmobile.

Snowmobiling 

Kili at Lake St. Helen

Chris and I often visited Dad. He took us to the State Fair, the Henry Ford Museum, Greenfield Village, the Detroit Zoo, Belle Isle, the Auburn Hills Chyrsler Museum, and the Cranbrook Museum.

The iconic oven at the old Michigan State Fair Grounds was destroyed in a fire

The Wolverine at the Detroit Zoo posed for us!

1660s Windmill at Greenfield Village

The parsonage had four bedrooms and two full baths so it was easy to accommodate Dad and Tom for Christmas at our house. The Bekofskes usually came on Sundays for worship, including Easter Sunday.

Dad with a photo memory quilt I made

These years were a time of great growth in my life as a quilter. I joined the Capital City Quilt Guild. The large guild hosted nationally known quilters to speak and run workshops. For a while I was in the American Quilt Study Group and also a group supporting the Michigan State University Museum's quilt programs. The group met in our church and created a quilt to auction to raise funds.

I gave a presentation to the quilt guild on Handkerchief Quilts, and was told I had done a professional job! A proud moment for me! I entered a quilt into the World Quilt and Textile Show. It was a Barbie quilt made for an ugly fabric quilt challenge. One of the show organizers told me how they loved my quilt and got such a kick when they unpacked it. I scanned Barbie, printed the image on fabric, and dressed Barbie in the 'ugly' fabrics. I embellished the quilt with real Barbie clothes and accessories.

My Barbie Quilt

I made When Dreams Come True based on NASA photographs of the Apollo 11 mission to the moon.

I got a quilt frame for my birthday.

Kili keeping me company while I quilt 

I donated quilts to fundraisers including Habitat for Humanity auctions. When a staff member left I made a signature quilt signed by the congregation.

Signature quilt presentation.

When a staff member suffered losses I made her a quilt.

And when a young man tragically died I made this quilt commemorating his work with Habitat for Humanity.

My brother bought a cabin outside of West Branch, MI. We had two family cabins for our use whenever we could get away.

Tom's cabin outside of West Branch, MI

We enjoyed going to the area nature centers. Starting the summer we moved, Chris attended the Woldumar Nature Center day camp. When we was too old to be a camper, he volunteered as a counselor in training. He worked all day, all summer!

The Fenner Nature Center was a lovely place to visit as well, plus they had the annual apple butter festival, making the apple butter in a large copper kettle over an open fire!

Fenner Nature Center, Lansing, MI

Chris and Gary at Fenner Nature Center, Lansing MI

We took family walks with Kili around the neighborhood. We often stopped to talk to neighbors.

Walking Kili around the 'hood

Kili spent her time on the window seat. She watched the world, and slept there too! People asked if that was a fox in the window!

Kili in the picture window

We saw Beauty and the Beast at the Wharton Center and plays at Lansing Community College. We visited museums in Grand Rapids, the Kalamazoo Air Museum, and zoos in Lansing and Battle Creek.

We were active as a family in many church activities, including buying and wrapping Christmas presents for donation, delivering Thanksgiving meals, walking (with Kili) in CROP Walk, and fundraisers for Habitat for Humanity. Chris was in the church basketball team for several years, attended Sunday School, participated in plays and in Youth Group.

Youth Musical. Chris in the middle.

Newspaper article on CROP Walk at the church

I sang in the choir for several years, played piano for the children's choir, and for two years taught the Youth Sunday School Class. I loved teaching and had a great time. The kids seemed to enjoy me as a teacher, too.

Gary and I at a church dinner

One day a man came to church and joined our Sunday School class. At the end of class he asked several questions about the church's stance on sensitive social issues, especially reguarding human sexuality. That year the church held an eight session discussion on the issue, with many points of view presented. Although the majority of members were in consensus, they had agreed to disagree and continued to care and work with each other in love. When the man's question was met with silence, I spoke up. God gave me the words. I explained the offical UMC Social Creed, and that there was no universal consensus, but that in the Wesleyan manner, we supported the right to "think and let think."

The man next asked to see the pastor. After a discussion, he told Gary that he was coming back to denounce the church as followers of Satan. Several members moved quickly to contact the police. It turned out that the man was known to the police, and said that he was "off his meds." The Washington D.C. police contacted the church. They also knew about this man after targeting Senator Debbie Stabenow. Grace is her home church, and that made it a target for this man. We were afraid of what was going to happen the following week.

As worship began the next Sunday, police were on the scene. They prevented the man from entering the church, keeping him across the street as he ranted and raved. When church was over, people going to their cars or the Youth Building stood aghast at the vehemence coming from the man across the street. A WWII veteran who had given his life to God under siege at the Battle of Anzio was very upset that his church was being attacked. His wife restrained him from crossing the street! Youth were as upset as their grandparents. The experience brought the church together, all generations, united in their belief in their community and purpose.

Kili

There is another side to the story of these years: How the move impacted our son, including the challenge of a new social environment; how the school environment changed after Columbine; and finally our decision to opt for home schooling.

Me