Vintage Sheet Music: Novelty, Nonsence, and Humor

A hundred years ago people loved a silly song, a song that made one laugh. Today I am sharing a selection novelty, nonsense, and humor sheet music.

No, No, Positively No by Chris Smith and Harry Brown was a 'great hit' in 1907, here performed by Thomas H. Cullen. Hear a 1927 recording here. 'Just say no' is good advice.

If there's such things as Jonahs, I must be one for fair

When good luck had been issued I guess I was nowhere there,

I went to see a hoodoo man to have my fortune told, 

He said, "no give me ten bills, and you'll find a pot of gold."

But I said, "no, no, no, oh, no positively no!

When I say no, no, no, oh, no,

then I mean that word to go

I use some judgment now and then,

I'd be a fool to give you ten,

So no, no, no, oh, no, emphatically no."

How well I can remember when I was but a child,

My mammy had some beehives in the back yard quite a while,

So brother Jim took me with him, one day to steal some hon',

Said sure, I like you, Jim, but I can't agree to let bees make pincushions out of me, (chorus)

Once Barnum Baily circus had come to town one day

A lion and a tiger got a fighting during the play,

Said I, "don't let them fight no more, you folks know right from wrong,

Then one said, "you go separate them, you look big and strong."  (chorus)

Some friends of mine had asked me to go with them to dine

A swell cafe we strolled in, I thought I'd have a scandalous time,

We'd all been drinking gin and beer and were full of fun and glee,

And when the waiter showered the check they all looked right at me (chorus)

***

Humor a hundred years ago was far from 'politically correct;' targets included women and immigrants and African Americans. 

The Preacher and the Bear by Joe Arizona published 1904 manages to be offensive to clergy and African Americans at once. Or at least African American clergy. And yet it was recorded over and over again, including by Andy Griffith and The New Christy Minstrels. Alan Lomax collected it in Kentucky. Listen to a 1908 Victor recording here.

 A preacher went out a-hunting;
‘Twas on one Sunday morn.
It was against his religion,
But he took his gun along.
He shot himself some very fine quail,
And one little measly hare,
And on his way returning home,
He met a grizzly bear.
The bear marched out in the middle of the road,
And he waltzed for the coon to see.
The coon got so excited that he climbed a ‘simmon tree.
The bear set down upon the ground,
And the coon climbed out on a limb.
He cast his eyes to the God in the skies,
And this is what he said to him:

Chorus: “Oh, Lordy, you delivered Daniel from the lion’s den.
Also delivered Jonah from the belly of the whale and then
Three Hebrew children from the fiery furnace,
The good books do declare.
Now, Lord, Lordy, Lord, if you can’t help me,
For sakes, don’t help that bear.”

This coon stayed up in that there tree,
And I think it was all night.
He says, “Oh, Lord, if you don’t help the bear,
You’re gonna see an awful fight.”
Just about that time the limb let go,
And the coon came tumbling down.
You should have seen him get his razor
Before he hit the ground.
He hit the ground a-cutting right and left,
And he put up a very game fight.
Just then that bear, he hugged this coon,
And he squeezed him a little too tight.
The coon, he lost his razor,
But the bear held out with a vim.
He cast his eyes to the God in the skies,
And this is what he said to him: (Chorus)

***

Dance crazes have been around for a long time, and the Shimmie was one of the early ones.

Everybody Shimmies Now by Joe Gold and Edmund J. Porray with lyrics by Eugene West was introduced by Sophie Ticker and her 5 Kings of Syncopation in 1918. Hear the All Star Trio Victor recording here. This Tin Pan Alley song made Mae West famous and the sheet music was also published with Mae on the cover.

Honey baby, won't you come and take a chance,
Sweet tootie, let us do it now
That nervous sort of movement like Saint Vitus dance,
Sweet Mama won't you show me how
That dance that I love best,
The dance the folks are doing with their chests.

'Cause everybody shimmies now
Everybody's learning how
Brother Bill, Sister Kate, Shive like jelly on a plate,
Shimmie dancing can't be beat.
Moves everything except your feet.
Feeble folks mighty old shake the shimmie and they shake it bold
Oh! Honey won't you show me how
'Cause everybody shimmies now.

Honey baby, can't you hear the jass [sic] band play,
Oh, dearie, I just can't keep still
That syncopated music make me feel so gay,
I just must sway against my will
Now babe, don't be afraid
Come on and to the dance that's up to date.
'Cause everybody shimmies now (chorus)

***

The Shimmie was scandalous and sexy. Ragtime was obviously the work of nefarious creatures.

The Ragtime Goblin Man by Andrew B. Sterling and Harry von Tilzer from 1911 was a virtual warning. Ragtime was out to take prisoners and there was no escape. Hear a Victor recording here.

A ragtime goblin man he comes around and softly hums a ragtime tune.
I know he followed me, he'll catch me sure, 
And then there'll be a ragtime swoon,
He's beside me, hide me, hide me, 
I can' feel his breath, Oh I'm scared to death,
He will take me, shake me, make me join his raggedy band.
That goblin man, that goblin man.

Look out for the goblin man, that ragtime goblin man,
Look out for the book in his hand, that great big book in his hand,
There he is, there he is, he is there,
see his eyes, see his eyes, see his eyes glare,
Mister bugaboo, if he catches you, he'll beat you, then he'll eat you,
Run, run, just as fast as you can from the ragtime goblin man.
Hide, hide, or he'll give you a ride, just hear him shout
Look out, look out, for the rag, rag, rag, ragtime goblin man.

That ragtime goblin man was mild, what was it drove him wild?
A ragtime tune, on dark nights just look out
He'll catch you if  you sing about a ragtime moon,
If he grabs you, grabs you, jabs you, you won't get away
Cause you'll have to stay, then he'll bring you, sting you, fling you
To his raggedy band, see, he, want to get me, that goblin man. (chorus)

***

Maggie!"Yes Ma'am" Come Right Up Stairs by Leslie Moore and Johnny Tucker dates to 1922 and was performed by Smith and Stritt in Vaudeville. Hear a 78 recording here.

There's a family right next door
Wakes us up at three or four
When the daughter comes home with her beau
First they stand outside and chin
After they tiptoe in and begin their spooning down below
Then when all is quiet in the hall, downstairs you hear her mother call

Maggie! (Yes, Ma'am?) Who's with you there?
Maggie! (Yes, Ma'am?) Stop that affair!
Why does it take you so long to say goodnight?
You know I've told you always, it's not safe to stand in hallways.

Maggie! (Yes, Ma'am?) Give him his hat. 
Maggie! (Yes, Ma'am?) Just leave him flat
I forgot what mother taught me, that is how your father caught me.
Maggie! (Yes, Ma'am?) Come right upstairs

Maggie doesn't care a bit what the neighbors think of it.
She declares that lovin' is no crime
Even tho' her sweetheart Dan was always a union man
Maggie has him working overtime
Now and then they lean against a bell
Then the whole darn house begins to yell

Maggie! (Yes, Ma'am?) Who's with you there?
Maggie! (Yes, Ma'am?) Stop that affair!
You'll wake the neighbors the way you carry on.
I'm gonna get a copper to chase that young finale-hopper.

Maggie! (Yes, Ma'am?) Give him his hat.
Maggie! (Yes, Ma'am?) Just leave him flat.
Give his face a darn good smacking if he starts to be wisecracking
Maggie! (Yes, Ma'am?) Come right upstairs.

***

One of Tin Pan Alley's greatest hits was the 1920 Oh By Jingo! was written by Lew Brown and Albert Von Tilzer. Listen to recordings here.

It appeared in Linger Longer Letty, sung by Charlotte Greenwood who created Letty as her alter ego. The song has been recorded by many artists over the years. Hugh Laurie sang it as Bertie Wooster in the Jeeves and Wooster television series.

The story is set in San Domingo and the lyrics note the lovers "both were collared" and that "the gang" insisted the fleeing lovers take one of them along.

In the land of San Domingo,
Lived a girl called Oh! by Jingo,
Ja da Ja da da da da da, ump-a, ump-a, ump-a, ump-a,
From the fields and from the marshes,
Came the old and young by Goshes,
Ja da Ja da da da da da da, ump-a, ump-a, ump-a, ump-a,
They all spoke with a diff’rent lingo,
But they all loved Oh by Jingo,
And ev’ry night they sang in the pale moonlight.

Oh! by Gee! by Gosh, by Gum, by Jove
Oh by Jingo, won’t you hear our love
We will build for you a hut
You will be our fav’rite nut
We’ll have a lot of little Oh by Gollies,
Then we’ll put them in the Follies
By Jingo said, By Gosh, By Gee
By Jiminy please don’t bother me
So they all went away singing
Oh by Gee, by Gosh by Gum, by Jove by Jingo,
by Gee, you’re the only girl for me.

Oh by Jingo had a lover,
He was always undercover,
Ta da da da da da da da, ump-a, ump-a, ump-a, ump-a,
Ev’ry night she used to meet him,
Oh how nice she used to treat him,
Ta da da da da da da da, ump-a, ump-a, ump-a, ump-a,
They eloped but they both were collared,
And the gang stood there and hollered,
Don’t raise a fuss, you’ve got to take one of us.
Chorus 

Oh! by Gee! by Gosh, by Gum, by Jove
Oh by Jingo, won't you hear our love
We will live out in a tent
Cheat the landlord of his rent
We'll have a lot of little Jiminy Crickets,
We can use them for meal tickets
By Jingo said, Now boys don't rave
I have put four husbands in the grave
So they all went away singing
Oh by Gee, by Gosh by Gum, by Jove, by Jingo,
By Gee, you're the only girl for me. 

Home they went with spirits wilted
On account of they were jilted
(All the By-Goshes, with hearts down to their galoshes!)
All winter long they brooded—that is, all but very few did
(They left to join a fan club for Lana Toyn-a.)
The rest wrote to Beatrice Fairfax
Got the how-to-make-him-care facts
So came the spring
They sailed once more to sing:
Oh by Gee, by Gosh, by Gum, by Jove
Oh by Jiminy you're the one we love
We will build for you a hut
You will be our favorite nut
Then we'll have a bunch of Oh-By-Gollies
And we'll put them all in the Follies
(Oh) By Gee, by Gosh, by . . . [improv segment]
By Jiminy you're the one for me! 

***

Good-night, Nurse is a Comic Song by Thomas J. Gray and W. Raymond Walker, 1922. Hear a Victor recording here.

Now Sam McKee was sick and he
Was taken to a hospital,
And there he met a swell Nurse Gal
And right away our Sam got gay
He soon forgot about his ills
Made love when she brought him pills,
Ev'ry night when she would go off duty
Sam would hollar out, "Come here, my Cutey,"

Good-night nurse! Tell the doctor I'm no better;
Good-night nurse! write my folks a letter
Say I need a rest and you fear I had better stay here a year,
Feel my pulse, hold my head a little longer,
How's my heart? Don't you think it's getting stronger?
Call me in the morning or I'll get worse!
Kiss your little patient, Good-night Nurse!

This tale they tell, How Sam got well
The day he left his cozy bed he met his old girl and was wen,
But married life, Sam and his wife,
Soon agreed to disagree, 
When he said "That nurse for me!"
Pots and pans his wife then started throwing
Sam'd back in the hospital a crowing (chorus)

The Books I Could Not Read This Summer...and One I Wish I Had Hadn't Read

Not all books are meant to be finished, and some are finished when they should have been left unread.

I passed on a few books. I am burning out after 120+ books read this year. My husband had knee replacement surgery and I had more to do around the house and to help him. I usually skirt around genre fiction and plot-driven reads, but they are going down easier right now. I need more happy and upbeat books.

So, here are the books I am missing out on:

I requested Sight by Jessie Greengrass through NetGalley. It seemed right up my alley: a woman talks about the death of her mother, her decision to have a child, and science. The language was quite amazing. But I found I did not have the energy to deal with the dense and demanding prose, and after nearly 50 pages felt like I had been reading for a hundred. I decided I had to move on.

Sight
Jessie Greengrass
Hogarth Books
Publication August 21, 2018
ISBN 9780525574606
PRICE $21.00 (USD)

Because I had read Daniel's Torday's first book The Last Flight of Poxl West I was offered his new book Boomer1. I read nearly 200 pages then bowed out. I had trouble wanting to read it.

There is an interesting situation illustrating the nature of Internet technology today, how ideas are put out there and take on lives of their own.

As an early Baby Boomer myself, the protagonist's obsession with Boomers not retiring and keeping Millennials down was difficult. Hey! We Boomers had the 1970s inflation and high gas prices to contend with. Our first house mortgage had 15% interest rate! We barely made $40,000 with two incomes! Quit yer griping!

The guy made bad decisions and blamed everyone but himself. I just decided to give myself a pass rather than spend more time with him. Sorry, Daniel. As a reader, I feel I failed you.

Boomer1
Daniel Torday
St. Martin's Press
Publication September 18, 2018
ISBN 9781250191793
PRICE $27.99 (USD)

I made myself finish the much-touted Ohio by Stephen Markley. It is well written, beautiful writing at times such as in the opening, and the characters are well-drawn and the theme timely and the plot is part a mystery and part a character study of a whole cadre of classmates.

But it is dark, gruesome, shocking, and violent, the characters struggling with horrible situations and issues. I stopped reading it several times. I was sure I was going to walk away, unwilling to spend more time with these broken people.

And when I finally did finish the novel, my stomach was in knots and I felt slightly ill. Graphic sex and self-abuse and violence and all kinds of stuff going on which I usually avoid like the plague.

And these kids, ten years out of high school but trapped by what happened in those few years, destroyed by it. They don't move on, they can't move on. The beautiful ones are destroyed and the less beautiful ones who love them are destroyed.

I am so destroyed, I wish I had not finished the book.

Which perhaps shows how successful the novel is--

I was given a free ebook from the publisher through NetGalley in exchange for a fair and unbiased review.

Ohio
Stephen Markley
Publication August 21, 2018
Simon & Schuster
ISBN 9781501174476
PRICE $27.00 (USD)

WIP and a New Sewing Space and Books on the Shelf

I finished this quilt top four years ago before we moved. This January I took it to the long arm quilter along with others, knowing I was not going to get all my tops hand quilted in this lifetime.

I made the quilt with three shirts that had belonged to my father-in-law, Herman Bekofske. It is a simple star pattern which I have made before.

I found a photo of Herman in one of the shirts which I scanned and printed onto fabric for the label.

We moved my sewing area into the finished basement. We will upgrade the unfinished area, beginning with improved electric upgrades. 

 I bought a new seweing table, too.

And have one design wall up. I have another moveable one but I needed a bigger piece of flannel.

Meanwhile, we are working on the sitting area on the other side. We bought two chairs at a warehouse sale from local retailer Leon & Lulu.

I am making a quilt with the Kathy Schmitz embroidery patterns from her book Stitches from the Harvest. I paired the patterns with a fat quarter fabric pack that I liked, Born Wild by Anna Davis.

And still enjoying making hexie flowers...while finally watching Downton Abbey!

Our local library had a mini-sale and a friend made these fantastic bookmarks which the library sold for $1.

I found some music-related books, a paperback copy of Etta and Otto and Russell and James, a biography of Nellie Bly's life, and the Three Tenors CD.

 I purchased a signed edition of Meg, Jo, Beth and Amy by Anne Rioux Boyd.

On my NetGalley TBR pile are these books:

Wasn't That a Time by Jesse Jarnow about the Weavers
A Ladder to the Sky by John Boyne who wrote The Heart's Invisible Furies
Night of Miracles by Elizabeth Berg is a follow up to The Story of Arthur Truluv
Unhold Land by Lavie Tidhar; I read his Central Station last year.
Surrendering my Ordination by J. Philip Wogaman, a United Methodist pastor

From Edelweiss I have:
Learning to See by Elsie Hooper, historical fiction about photographer Dorothea Langue
The Splendid Sampler 2 by Pat Sloan; read about The Splendid Sampler 1 here
Red & White Quilts from That Patchwork Place

And on Kindle I am reading:

A Beautiful Place to Die, short stories by Samuel Bigglesworth
Death in Paris by Emilia Bernhard, a cozy mystery
and looking over
A Divided Life by Robert Cecil about a British spy

Plus...I am still working on Doris Kearns Godwin's The Bully Pulpit and Militant Spirit on John Quincy Adams. Still.

Books next to my bed include:
The Splintering of the American Mind by William Eggerton
Ahab's Return by Jeffry Ford
Killer of the Flower Moon by David Grann, a gift from a Goodreads friend

And in the mail are coming:
Fly Girls by Keith O'Brien from LibraryThing giveaways
Laurentine Divide by Sarah Stonich from Bookish First

I just finished:
Wanamaker's Temple by Nicole C. Kirk
Guilty Thing a Life of Thomas De Quincy by Frances Wilson

And for book club, I am reading Burial Rites by Hannah Kent, whose The Good People I read last year.

Scheduled Fall book reviews include:

Rush: The Forgotten Founding Father by Stephen Fried
Adrift, a true story of a shipwreck, by Brian Murphy
Sold on a Monday by Kristina McMorris
Frank & Al  about FDR and Al Smith by Terry Golway
The Ancient Nine a mystery by Ian Smith
Hard Cider, Michigan-based fiction by Barbara Stark-Nemon
Transcription, a WWII set spy novel, by Kate Atkinson
Virgil Wander, a sweet story set on Lake Superior by Leif Enger
The Flame by Leonard Cohen, the book he was preparing when he died
A Cloud in the Shape of a Girl by Jean Thompson, about three generations of women
The Library Book by Susan Orlean, whose book on Rin Tin Tin I read
The Man Who Wrote the Perfect Novel by Charles J. Shields is on John Williams, author of Stoner
Lessons from Lucy by Dave Barry
The Rain Watcher by Tatiana De Rosnay, whose biography of Daphne Du Maurier, Manderley Forever, I read
White Darkness by David Grann is about Henry Worsley's Antarctic expeditions

I have completed 138 books so far this year.

And for fun I have been sharing selections from my vintage sheet music collection!

Adrift: A True Story of Tragedy in the Icy Atlantic and the One Who Lived to Tell About It

In Adrift, Brian Murphy recounts the journey of the packet ship John Rutledge from its navigation down the Mersey River to the ice fields that sank four ships in 1856. Nearly 1,000 souls died in three months, with commercial losses in the millions of dollars. The Irish immigrants and crew on board the Rutledge were all lost, save one man. This is his story.

I love a good adventure story, and if there are ships and ice involved, I'm all in. I was also interested in reading Brian Murphy's Adrift because it is about Irish immigrants, who in 1856 had scrimped and saved for their passage, hopeful they would find a better life in America. My own Irish ancestors left their homeland for England, a much shorter sea journey. But the reasons for leaving their homeland would have been the same, as well as their poverty.

The book is based on the story of Thomas Nye, a New Bedford maritime sailor who was twenty-two when he shipped on the packet ship John Rutledge out of Liverpool. The ship carried over 100 Irish passengers, bound for New York. 

In 1903, just two years before his death, a journalist interviewed Nye who told the story of the sinking of the Rutledge, his nine days asea watching the other survivors succumb to the elements and dehydration, and his providential rescue.

Murphy takes us on Nye's journey, recreating the events, drawing from Nye's writings, ships logs, and newspaper accounts. We are there when the ship strikes a berg and during the launching of the lifeboats. We experience Nye watching as his fellow passengers in an open board are driven to desperate measures and die until only he is left.

It is a tale of harrowing adventure, but also a study of human nature in desperate circumstances when conventional morality and social norms are washed away. There is no cannibalism involved, thankfully, for as Murphy shares, sometimes that did happen.

Reforms to improve maritime safety did not advance until the 1912 sinking of the Titanic. (Some things never change: the lives of impoverished immigrant families did not spur safety advances, but the deaths of some of the richest men in the world did.)

As climate change accelerates the calving of Greenland's ice sheet, more icebergs will clog shipping lanes. Today we have communication between ships and ship and shore, and knowledge of where the ice fields are.

Murphy is a journalist with the Washington Post and the author of three books.

I received a free ebook from the publisher through NetGalley in exchange for a fair and unbiased review.

Adrift: A True Story of Tragedy on the Icy Atlantic and the One Who Lived to Tell about It
by Brian Murphy
Da Capo Press
Pub Date 04 Sep 2018
ISBN: 9780306902000
Hardcover $27.00 (USD)

Benjamin Rush: The Forgotten Founding Father

Just reading the Preface in Stephen Fried's new biography Rush: Revolution, Madness and the Visionary Doctor Who Became a Founding Father I was shocked by the breadth and depth of Rush's accomplishments. It is hard to believe how ignorant we are about Rush's lasting contributions. I had come across Benjamin Rush in my readings on the Revolution and Founding Fathers and was interested in learning more about the man. Fried's book has made me a lasting and enthusiastic fan of this Philadelphia physician and signer of the Declaration of Independence.

Rush knew all the big names of his time period. His friends included Benjamin Franklin, John Addams, and Thomas Jefferson. He encouraged Thomas Paine to write Common Sense. Adams wrote that Rush had contributed more to the Revolution than Franklin! It was Rush who pressured Adams and Jefferson to reconnect after years of alienation.

As a physician, he championed humane treatment for the mentally ill and identified addiction as a medical, not a moral, condition. During the yellow fever epidemic of 1793 when 10% of the population died, Rush courageously stayed in Philadelphia.  Many doctors fled the city along with anyone else who had somewhere else to go. The African American community came out to assist; it was thought they were immune to the disease!

Rush saw war and the disease and injuries that took lives. He triaged troops and was with Washington when he crossed the Delaware and at battlefields including Brandywine, Trenton, and Princeton. He knew that more soldiers died from sickness than the sword and created standards of hygiene for the military, including the first military buzz-cut.

Rush was a practicing physician. He lived before we understood viruses and bacteria, when bleeding and purgatives were employed. He was called to educate and outfit Lewis and Clark for their expedition. His purgative known as Rush's Pills included mercury, which has helped us track Lewis and Clark's journey! Rush thought up the circular surgical theater.

He was a lifelong educator, medical writer and lecturer. He founded Dickinson College to bring higher education to rural Pennsylvania and campaigned for free public education.

An ardent abolitionist, Rush supported the founding of the first African Methodist Church. He was a dedicated Christian who supported the separation of church and state while maintaining the importance of faith as a moral guide.

Rush knew that when the war was over, the real work of founding a nation would begin which needed to balance "science, religion, liberty and good government."

Rush married the daughter of another Declaration signer, Julia Stockton. They had thirteen children. Rush was a devoted and loving husband and father, but his illustrious fame and high standards were hard to live up to. His son became an alcoholic who ended up hospitalized, a 'madman' who was studied by the actor Edwin Forrest while preparing for his breakout role as King Lear. Another son, Richard, was close to John Quincy Adams and became his vice presidential candidate and he was commissioned to collect the James Smithson trust money which funded the Smithsonian.

Fried's chapter on what happened to Rush's papers and letters explains why he disappeared from memory until mid-2oth c. Julia Rush's most treasured and private letters by her husband were in the family until 1975 when they were donated to the Rosenbach Library in Philadelphia.

The story of Rush's life was exciting to read. As a popular history, I found it very accessible and quick reading. A Goodreads friend told me that Rush was her favorite Founding Father. It appears he was John Adams' favorite as well, judging by his response to Rush's death as recorded by Abigal, which Fried includes in the book:

"O my friend, my friend, my ancient, my constant, my unshaken friend! My brother, art thou gone? Gone forever Who can estimate thy worth, who can appreciate thy loss? To thy country, to thy family, to thy friends, to science, to literature, to the world at large? To a character which in every relation of life shone resplendent?" John Adams upon the death of Rush as reported by Abigal Adams

"...a better man than Rush, could not have left us, more benevolent, more learned, of finer genius, or more honest." Thomas Jefferson in a letter to John Adams 

"I know of no Character living or dead who has done more real good in America." John Adams response to Thomas Jefferson's letter

I received a free ebook through First to Read in exchange for a fair and unbiased review.

RUSH: REVOLUTION, MADNESS, AND BENJAMIN RUSH, THE VISIONARY DOCTOR WHO BECAME A FOUNDING FATHER
By STEPHEN FRIED
Hardcover | $30.00
Published by Crown
Available Sep 04, 2018
ISBN 9780804140065

Vintage Sheet Music: Humorous Songs About Men and the Racism Often Behind The Songs

Vaudeville and Music Hall songs were the pop music of their day. People enjoyed songs with humor and satire. Today, let's look at songs about men.

He's A Devil in His Own Home Town by Irving Berlin and Grand Clark was published in 1914 and sung by John Canfield. Hear a Victor recording by Billy Murray here. One online source states that Berlin also provided the sheet music cover art!

I've got an uncle by the name of Jerry
He's got a farm, a great big farm
Two thousand acres of the very, very
Best land in the whole United States
He's got a reputation in the village
Known as a dude, a gosh darn dude
He would never do in New York City
But in his home town

[Refrain:]
He's a devil, he's a devil
He's a devil in his own home town
On the level, on the level
He's as funny as a clown
He spends a five cent piece, thinks nothing of it
His pants all creased, red vest above it
And when it comes to women, oh! oh! oh! oh!
He's a devil, he's a devil
Telling stories in a groc'ry store
On the level, on the level
Has 'em rolling on the floor
Down at the fair with all the other heckers
He received first prize for playing checkers
And he cheated
Can you beat it?
He's a devil in his own home town

[2nd verse:]
He's got an overcoat that's fine and furry
Gold-headed cane that came from Spain
They've even got him saying "I should worry"
Just like all the sporty city folks
You ought to see the way he spends his money
He bought a box of hole-proof socks
They would never do for New York City
But in his home town (chorus)

***

Rube Goldberg's song I'm The Guy ('noise,' ie, music by Bert Grant) dates to 1912. Goldberg had a cartoon series in the newspaper called I'm the Guy, featuring a cantankerous man who asserted preposterous claims. Read more here. Here Billy Murray sing it here or here.

When they hear me talk, when they see me walk,
People turn around to say: "Who's That?"
All the people cry, all the ladies sigh,
'Till they know exactly where I'm at
The Kaiser shines my shoes
The Csar pours out my boose,
And the King of England cuts my hair,
I eat a bale of hay for breakfeast [sic] every day,
I'm here, I'm there, I'm mostly every where.

I'm the guy that put the salt in the ocean
I'm the guy that put the bones in fish,
I'm the guy can't tell a lie, 'I'll always live, I'll never die.
In the wishbone, I'm the guy that put the wish
I'm the guy that put the smoke in chimneys
I'm the guy that put the leave on trees
What's that? Who and I? Don't you know?
I'm the guy that put the holes in sweitzer cheese.

I wear stylish clothes, I'm the guy that knows,
Why a chicken goes across the street.
I'm the only man knows how old is Ann,
And I place each copper on his beat
My shoes are diamond soled, my bed is made of gold,
Twenty thousand servants bring my meals
I'm chased by pretty girls and Dukes and Lords and Earls,
And I'm the final court of all appeals.

I'm the guy that put the sand on the beaches,
I'm the guy that put the crust on pies,
I'm the guy that's far and nigh,
I take a bath and come out dry,
I'm the guy that puts the wings on little flies
I'm the guy that put the hump on the camel
I'm the guy that put the cough in croup
What's That? Don't you know?
I'm the guy, I'm the guy that put the noise in noodle soup.

When I take a car, going fast and far,
No one dares to ask me for my fare
Ev'ry one who knows, says "look, there he goes!"
Gee, there's nothing to it, I'm a bear
I've got a million wives who'll sacrifice their lives,
Just to make things comf'table for me,
I live on fancy things, prepared by Queens and Kings,
I go to ev'ry show admission free.
I'm the guy that put the notes in music
I' the guy that put the horns on deer,
What's that? Who am I? Don't you know?
I'm the guy that put the foam on beer.

***

The comedy patter song Oh! Mister Gallagher and Mister Shean was featured in the Ziegfield Follies of 1922. Al Shean (born Abraham Schoenberg; he was a brother to the Marx brother's mother) and Edward Gallagher performed together between 1910 and 1914 then reunited for the 1920 Frivolities review with Gallagher & Shean in Egypt. Read more here and here.

Shean: Oh! Mister Gallagher,
Oh! Mister Gallagher!
Gallagher: Hello, what's on your mind
This morning, Mister Shean?

Shean: Ev'rybody's making fun
Of the way our country's run
All the papers say
We'll soon live European.

Gallagher: Why Mister Shean,
Why Mister Shean.
On the day they took away
Our old canteen,
Cost of living went so high
That it's cheaper now to die.

Shean: Positively, Mister Gallagher.
Gallagher: Absolutely, Mister Shean.

Shean: Oh! Mister Gallagher,
Oh! Mister Gallagher,
If you're a friend of mine,
You'll lend me a couple of bucks.
I'm so broke and badly bent,
And I haven't got a cent.
I'm so clean you'd think
That I was washed with Lux.

Gallagher: Oh! Mister Shean,
Oh! Mister Shean,
Do you mean to say
You haven't got a bean?
On my word as I'm alive,
I intended touching you for five.

Shean: Oh! I thank you Mister Gallagher.
Gallagher: You are welcome Mister Shean.

Shean: Oh! Mister Gallagher,
Oh! Mister Gallagher,
Once I think I saw you save a lady's life
In a rowboat out to sea.
You were a hero then to me,
And I thought perhaps
You've made this girl your wife.

Gallagher: Oh! Mister Shean,
Oh! Mister Shean,
As she sunk I dove down like a submarine,
Dragged her up upon the shore,
Now she's mine forever more.

Shean: Who, the lady, Mister Gallagher?
Gallagher: No, the rowboat, Mister Shean.

Shean: Oh! Mister Gallagher,
Oh! Mister Gallagher,
What's the name of that game
They play on the links?
With a stick they knock the ball
Where you can't find it at all,
Then the caddie walks around
And thinks and thinks.

Gallagher: Oh! Mister Shean,
Oh! Mister Shean,
You don't even know a hazard from a green.
Its become a popular game,
And you don't even know its name,

Shean: Sure it's croquet, Mister Gallagher.
Gallagher: No, lawn tennis, Mister Shean.

***

People's sense of humor was very different a hundred years ago. Ethnic background and race and class were all standard comedic fare.

If You Knock the ''L' out of Kelly it Would Still be Kelley to Me by Sam. M. Lewis and Joe Young with music by Bert Grant, 1916. Illustration by the prolific illustrator Barbelle. This was a very popular song in both record and sheet music sales. Lewis also wrote Hello Central, Give Me No Man's Land and Where did Robinson Crusoe Go with Friday on Saturday Night.

Timothy Kelly, who owned a big store,
Wanted his name painted over the door,
One day Pat Clancy, the painter man came;
Tried to be fancy and misspelled the name;
Instead of Kelly with double "L - Y"
He painted Kelly, but one "L" was shy,
Pat said, "it looks right, but I want no pay,
I've reasoned it out in my own little way."

Timothy Kelly looked up at the sign,
He told Pat Clancy "that's no name of mine,
As a sign painter you'll never go far,
You're a fine painter like Kelly you are;
Shame on you Clancy, just see what you've done,
You've spoiled the name of an Irishman's son"
"Don't let an "L" come between us" said Pat,
"I've figured it out like a real diplomat."

Chorus
If I knock the "L" out of Kelly, 
It would still be Kelly to me;
Sure a single "L - Y" or a double "L - Y"
Should look just the same to an Irishman's eye

Knock off an "L" from Killarney,
Still Killarney it always will be,
But if I knock the "L" out of Kelly,
Sure he'd knock the "L" out of me.

***

Everybody Works But Father by Jean Havez was performed by Lew Dockstader and his Great Minstrel Company, published in 1905. Listen to it here and an orchestral version here.

Dockstader (born George Clapp) was the last great minstrel man who discovered Al Jolson. His comic monologues satirized Teddy Roosevelt. Today we view the minstrel show as having promoting racist stereotypes with its white men in blackface. This song is a good example of the stereotyping.

Every morning at six o'clock I go to my work,

With over coat buttoned up ‘round my neck no job would I shirk 

Winter wind blows ‘round my head cutting up my face, 

I tell you what I'd like to have my dear old father's place.

Chorus

Everybody works but father 

And he sits around all day, 

Feet in front of the fire 

Smoking his pipe of clay, 

Mother takes in washing 

So does sister Ann, 

Everybody works at our house but my old man.

A man named Work moved into town, and father heard the news, 

With work so near my father started shaking in his shoes, 

When Mister Work walked by my house he saw with great surprise,

My father sitting in his chair with blinders on his eyes.

(Chorus)

At beating carpets father said he simply was immense, 

We took the parlor carpet out and hung it on the fence,

My mother said:"now beat it dear, with all you might and main" 

And father beat it right back to the fireside again.

(Chorus)

***

I have trouble understanding how a song about an elderly man's pain was funny. I am sure that a hundred years ago that every man, if he lived long enough, suffered pain after the hard physical and manual labor his work entailed.

Written in 1912, the 'coast to coast hit' I've Got the Rumatiz by Carl Summers was performed by the Texas Four. This sheet music dates to 1918; the original showed an African American man with a cane indicating the song was one more that used African Americans as a source of humor.

I've taken every medicine that's said to be
The best for "rumatizum" but they don't cure me
most everything in the old almanac I use;
But it don't do any good it just gives me the blues.
I used to 'sing and dance the wing, most every day,
I thought that it would surely keep the pain away
But Lordy, the old things got me sore
And I' all crippled up and don't dance anymore.

Chorus:
I've got the 'rumatiz', Oh, gee whiz!
I've got the 'rumatiz' all over me,
I've got it in my ankle and I've got it in my knee,
Now if a Doctor doesn't come here and cure my pain
Then I am positive that I will go insane
'Cause I've got 'rumatiz' Oh, gee whiz!
I've got the 'rumatiz' all over me.

Oh! It's the worst pain that a fellow ever knew,
The doctors all look wise but can't tell what to do,
They use a lot of big words I don't understan'
Write some chinese [sic] on a paper for the drugstore man.
"Do what I say and I am sure I'll do you good"
Said one old doctor and I was quite sure he would;
He got all my money for his fee,
Bt still I have the 'rumatiz' all over me.
Chorus

***

Prohibition took away what little 'fun' a man had. Written by the stellar team Andrew B. Sterling and Harry Von Tilzer, Whoa January You're Going to be Worse than July) commemorated the last days of legal alcohol in 1919. This is another cover by Barbelle. Listen to it here.

The first of July they said we'd go dry,
And ev'ry one thought there'd be nothing to buy.
But you got yours, and I got mine,
And ev'ry one was happy we were feeling fine.
But soon we'll be through, then won't we feel blue,
No more we'll hear that "have another" sound.
Can you picture me saying "gimme some tea"
When Mister January comes around?

Chorus: Whoa January, oh January,
I hate to see you come 'round
July was mighty tough, but we could get enough,
And if we knew the barman we could get the reg'lar stuff.
But oh January, whoa January
I'm so sad I want to cry.
You're the month that's going to make my life a wreck;
I know I will turn into a horses neck!
Whoa January when you go dry
You're going to be worse than July.

Last night in a dream, how real it did seem,
A raspberry soda all smothered with cream,
Said peek-a-boo I'll get you soon,
The time is coming when you have to use a spoon!
They filled you I hear with two percent beer,
But soon you'll be an ice-cream soda hound.
There's drinks we can pick, but not one with a kick,
When Mister January comes around.

Chorus: Whoa January, oh January,
I hate to see you come 'round
July you made us think we couldn't get a drink,
But when we wanted something all we had to do was wink.
But oh January, Whoa January
So long good old rock and rye.
Mister Beethoven never made a hit with me.
'Cause it hasn't got the right authority.
Whoa January when you go dry
You're going to be worse than July, going to be worse than July,
Going to be worse than July.

Tin Pan Alley Sheet Music: Men, Women, and Courtship

My collection of sheet music includes many early 20th c songs that were sung on Vaudeville stages.  Many were written in Tin Pan Alley.

One can learn so much about society in those days from these songs. Let's start what they reveal about men's attitudes toward women. These date from 1909 to 1919.

My Wife's Gone to the Country Hurrah! Hurrah! was written by George Whiting, Ted Snyder and Irving Berlin, published in 1909.

According to an interview with Irving Berlin, the song came to him in a barbershop. George Whiting, a vaudeville actor, was a few chairs down from Berlin who asked him when he needed to be home. Whiting replied, "I don't have to go home, my wife is in the country." Berlin walked out of the shop with those words in his head and soon found them a melody and the chorus worked out. In a few hours the song was completed and two days later it was heard all over the land.

When Missus Brown told hubby, "I just can't stand the heat
Please send me to the country, dear, I know 'twould be a treat"
Next day his wife and fam'ly were seated on a train
And when the train had started, Brownie shouted this refrain:

My wife's gone to the country, hurrah, hurrah!
She thought it best, I need a rest, that's why she went away
She took the children with her, hurrah, hurrah!
I don't care what becomes of me, my wife's gone away

He kept the 'phone a-going, told ev'ryone he knew
"It's Mister Brown, come on downtown, I have some news for you"
He told a friend reporter just why he felt so gay
Next day an advertisement in the papers read this way:

[2nd refrain:]
My wife's gone to the country, hurrah, hurrah!
She thought it best, I need a rest, that's why she went away
She took the children with her, hurrah, hurrah!
I don't care what becomes of me, my wife's gone away

He sang his joyful story into a phonograph
He made a dozen records and I say it was to laugh
For when his friends had vanished and Brown was all alone
His neighbors heard the same old tune on Brownie's graphophone

My wife's gone to the country, hurrah, hurrah!
She thought it best, I need the rest, that's why she went away
She took the children with her, hurrah, hurrah!
Like Eva Tanguay, I don't care, my wife's gone away

He went into the parlor and tore down from the wall
A sign that read "God Bless Our Home" and threw it in the hall
Another sign he painted and hung it up instead
Next day the servant nearly fainted when these words she read:

My wife's gone to the country, hurrah, hurrah!
She thought it best, I need the rest, that's why she went away
She took the children with her, hurrah, hurrah!
Now I'm with you if you're with me, my wife's gone away

He called on pretty Molly, a girl he used to know
The servant said "She left the house about an hour ago
But if you leave your name, sir, or write a little note
I'll give it to her when she comes" and this is what he wrote:

My wife's gone to the country, hurrah, hurrah!
She thought it best, I need the rest, that's why she went away
She took the children with her, hurrah, hurrah!
I love my wife, but oh! you kid, my wife's gone away

He went and bought a parrot, a very clever bird
The kind that always would repeat most anything she heard
So when his voice grew husky and Brownie couldn't talk
While he'd be taking cough-drops, he would have the parrot squawk:

My wife's gone to the country, hurrah, hurrah!
She thought it best, I need the rest, that's why she went away
She took the children with her, hurrah, hurrah!
I knew my book, she left the cook, my wife's gone away

The song was sung by Stuart Barnes, a successful English Music Hall performer whose songs and monologues were usually about marriage and women. He often sang Irving Berlin songs after his monologues. He earned $400 a week in 1909. (Source found here.) He was openly gay.

***

Some men wanted freedom from their women, while others were worried about being thrown over.

 Keep Your Eye on the Girlie You Love by Howard Johnson and Alex Gerber, music by Ira Schuster, was performed by Tin Pan Alley and Vaudeville star Moe Thompson. The March 2, 1917 issue of The Saturday Evening Post has an advertisement for the sheet music and the Pathe recording.

Take a tip from one who knows, all you single men, 
If you've a girl to call your own, Don't ever leave her all alone. 
If temptation comes her way, will she pass it by? 
That's a question, so my suggestion is, Watch her on the sly. 

Keep your eye on the girlie you love, 
There's a beau that you know nothing of, 
Who may be there to call, when you're out of sight, 
Of course, she may not fall, but may be she might. 
Never leave her for more than a day, 
‘Cause there's hundreds that lose ‘em that way, 
So keep your eye upon your girl, Bill, 
If you don't some other fellow will. 

It's a tough thing now-a-days, picking out a girl, 
So when you find your heart’s delight, 
Take my advice and treat her right, 
Girls are fickle as can be, change their minds each day; 
Do a rave to ‘em, be a slave to ‘em, That’s the wisest way. 

Keep your eye on the girlie you love, 
Just be sure that she’s your turtle dove, 
Don’t take a chance and introduce your best pal, 
For if she likes him best, goodbye to your gal. 
She may kiss you goodnight by mistake, 
Call you Clarence, when your name is Jake, 
So keep your eye upon your girl, Bill, 
If you don’t some other fellow will.

***

One way of 'keeping your girlie' was to make love to her at the movies. Couples sitting in a dark room raised the fear of parents who worried about the sexual freedom that might be perpetrated there. Hollywood movie stars had wild parties and scandalous sex lives--evil role models for the young. This was the new world of dating. Courtship no longer took place on front porch swings.

Take Your Girlie To the Movies (If You Can't Make Love At Home) by Edgar Leslie and Bert Kalmar with music by Pete Wendling would have been pretty scandalous in 1919.

The song begins when a boy asks love advice:

When I call to love my girl
Her folks are always there;
That's why I'm blue, 
What shall I do?

The answer is:

Take your girlie to the movies
if you can't make love at home;
There is no little brother there who always squeals
you can say an awful lot in seven reels.

Take your lessons at the movies
And have love scenes of your own;
When the picture's over and its time to leave,
Don't forget to brush the powder off your sleeve.

Pick a cozy corner where it's nice and dark,
Don't catch influenza kissing in the park,
Take your lessons at the movies,
and have love scenes of your own;
Though's she's just a simple little ribbon clerk,
Close your eyes and think you're kissing Billie Burke;
Take your girlie to the movies, if you can't make love at home.

***

Good girls, bad girls--they are all the same according to There's a Little Bit of Bad in Every Good Little Girl by Grant Clarke and Fred Fischer, performed by Brice and King, published in 1917. This sheet music shows Elizabeth Brice and Charles King, performers called some of the "cleverest" in the business. Miss Brice came from Toledo, Ohio and progressed from singing in Sunday School to the town casino.

 This is a truly horrifying song!

Nobody ever sings about the bad girls
Because the bad girls are sad
And everybody sings about the good girls
Because the good girls are glad
Till you've been around 'em once or twice

You can't tell the naughty from the nice

There's a little bit of bad in every good little girl
They're not to blame
Mother Eve was very good
But even she raised Cain
I know a preacher's daughter
Who never orders water
There's a little bit of bad in every good little girl
They're all the same

I had a dream I went to see the devil
There was the devil to pay
He said I'm awful busy on the level
I said the devil you say
Why are you so busy tell me why
He replied and winked his other eye

There's a little bit of bad in every good little girl
They're not to blame
Though they seem like angels in a dream
They're naughty just the same
They read the good book Sunday
And snappy stories Monday
There's a little bit of bad in every good little girl
They're all the same

***

They Go Wild Simply Wild Over Me by Joe McCarthy and Fred Fisher was published in 1917. The song appears in Bullets Over Broadway by Woody Allen.

There is a version for men:

I hate to talk about myself,

But here's one time I must!

Your confidence I'll trust,

I have to speak or bust!

It's funny how I get the girls,

I never try at all;

I seem to hypnotise them,

I'm bound to make them fall!

They go wild, simply wild, over me!

They go mad, just as mad as they can be!

No matter where I'm at,

All the ladies, thin or fat,

The tall ones,

The small ones,

I grab them off like that!

Every night, how they fight over me!

I don't know what it is that they can see!

The ladies look at me and sigh,

In my arms they wanna die!

They go wild, simply wild, over me!

I get so many pretty girls,

I give a few away!

They bother me each day,

They're leading me astray!

There's lots of fellows go with girls

And never get their drift;

I always get the women,

It's just a natural gift!

They go wild, simply wild, over me!

They go mad, just as mad as they can be!

No matter where I'm at,

All the ladies, thin or fat,

The tall ones,

The small ones,

Why, I grab them off like that!

Every night, how they fight over me!

I don't know what it is that they can see!

I can never be alone,

I have to choke the telephone!

They go wild, simply wild, over me!

And for the girls:

I hate to talk about myself but here's one time I must

Your confidence I'll trust, I have to speak or bust

It's funny how I get the boys, I never try at all

I seem to hypnotize them, I'm bound to make them fall

They go wild, simply wild, over me

They go mad, just as mad as they can be

No matter where I'm at, all the fellows thin or fat

The tall ones, the small ones, I grab them off like that

Every night how they fight over me

I don't know what it is that they can see

The fellows look at me and sigh, in my arms they want to die

They go wild, simply wild, over me

I meet so many funny men, no matter where I go

They're waiting in a row, they seem to love me so

There's lots of girlies go with boys but never get their drift

I seem to understand them, why, it's just a natural gift

They go wild, simply wild, over me

They go mad, just as mad as they can be

No matter where I'm at, all the fellows thin or fat

The tall ones, the small ones, why, I grab them off like that

Every night how they fight over me

I don't know what it is that they can see

Why I can never be alone, I have to choke the telephone

They go wild, simply wild, over me

They go wild, simply wild, over me

They go mad, just as mad as they can be

I meet so many kind, I leave a few behind

They love me, they kiss me, why, I guess they must be blind

Every night how they fight over me

I don't know what it is that they can see

I'm very skinny I'll admit but when I when I smile just a smidge

They go wild, simply wild, over me

***

Whatever that guy had in the last song, the man in the next song clearly lacked. To Any Girl by the hugely successful and prolific lyricist Lew Brown with music by the equally successful and prolific Albert Von Tilzer (whose most famous song was Take Me Out To The Ballgame). This song is a lament, for the young lover has no girl to write to. Any girl will do...as long as she cooks and sews and is true.

 I found a picture postal card while on the street today.
A lovesick fellow wrote it, and here's what he had to say,
"O haven't any sweetheart, so I don't know what to do,
I wish I had a girl to send this to.
I won't put on an address, I won't put on a name,
But still I'm going to send it just the same.

To any girl who's feeling lonesome,
To any girl who's feeling blue,
I write these lines today
here's what I have to say
I've got a lot of loving that I'd like to give away,
To any girl who'll love me only
To any girl who will be true,
But if you have a beau,
Is there any girl you know
who's not as lucky as you.

He says he wanta a girl who sews and one who also cooks,
But then he doesn't mention anything about her looks
The boy is not particular,
I think that he's in wrong,
For he'll take any girl who comes along,
He can't expect an answer, 
He doesn't make it plain,
I'll have to read the postal card again. (Chorus) 

***

Harry Von Tilzer, Albert's brother, often worked with Andrew B. Sterling including on this 1915 song, Those Musical Eyes, about Ragtime sex appeal.

Stirling and Von Tilzer are my favorite pair to collect. Learn more about Von Tilzer at The Parlor Songs Academy.

Two big eyes that shine, won this heart of mine,
"Want you near me," they say and sweet is the music they play,
O those great big eyes how they harmonize, 
Even when we're apart, 
They play on the strings of my heart
Ragtime love tunes till I'm almost crazy,
Those "G sharp" eyes they seem to play for me.

Oh, those eyes, those great big musical eyes,
Such "harmony" lies, 
In those sweet "Come and kiss me" eyes
"Say you'll miss me," eyes, 
Roll them, roll them, roll them up to the skies,
Each glance at me, a "Rhapsody,"
Oh, those eyes they say "come on...and spoon!"
Oh, those eyes they play a wedding tune,
Oh, the love that lies and lies, In those musical eyes!

When I'm feeling bad, when I'm feeling sad,
Everything has gone wrong
those eyes, play the cheerfullest song,
They just look at me, strike a chord in "C"
sorrow puts on his hat, 
Those eyes soon will sing in "A Flat"
Every glance starts my heart beating "Forte," (Chorus)